Mamy.

Every day is a gift. Never like before I fully understood the meaning of that.

I won't ever regret the sacrifices I've done in those last months and I won't ever forget the memories that they have given to me.

A precious treasure I'll bring always with me.

Still together, no matters how long we got left.

Today's today and I'm blessed to be with you.

Detached from reality.

It has been my comment to my Auntie, yesterday morning, when we went to a funeral home to ask for quotes.

What's awful and odd it'sthat we need the excuse to buy some clothes for my Mum, so that she couldn't figure out the real reason we needed to go out together.

We were talking about cremation and pertinent information with a man, who looked like a mafioso, while her, conscious and coherent, was waiting for us to get back.

It's like living a neverending nightmare.

And then, once at home again, everything's back to "normal", chatting, joking, smoking together like this evil illness is going to heal and life could go back to what it was.

But what I can't tolerate for the most it's all these religious people that remind this "good" god who's making our lifes a hell. 

It's like a slap in the face.

Now, after she asked the doctor today how long she's got left, I've lost any leftover of sense of humour I had.

Finally.

In the end tonight I got the call I was waiting for.

My brother finally decided to come here to visit Mum.

Better late than ever.

Back to the start.

So.. after two months together I find myself into the old pattern of my whole life.

My loved mother today told me that we're incompatible.

It's weird, hard and painful.

I've always seen her as my twin, we've even born on the almost same day.

When I was a child and she was away, I was used to sleep with one of her jumpers just to feel her smell.

But she never accepted me because I'm a female and because I'm not her clone. She has never been able to accept that I can have my own personality and that I can think differently from her.

Now she's dying, I'm craving her love, her kindness, a good time together.

I find constantly an obstacle from her, who's looking always for a fight, a polemic, an argument.

How can explain her that this is the last time we've got to spend together, that we must enjoy it instead of wasting it with futile controversy?

She's pushing me away again, like I'm stealing her the scene but I'm not. I don't really care.

Hey, that's me! The one who's keeping a low profile and doesn't like publicity.

The anti-social one, scared of any relationship with the world.

Keep the scene, I just want your love.

Whatever is the reason why you don't like me (competition, envy, etc.) without you, I'm going to lose my best friend and I won't have anymore that person I'm used to share what's going on in my life.

Can you just forgive me for being me and not my brother?

Love you, despite all.

Let me be on your side, that's all I ask for.

I was wrong.

I remember I was waiting for this 2014 as much as I wanted to have my previous issues sorted.

I didn't expect to fix the (at the time) current trouble to find myself in other bad situations.

I remember at the beginning of this year, I've been told it wasn't a good one. I didn't understand why.

I didn't until I lost my uncle on the 16th of February, my closest Wicklow friend on the 5th of August and now I'm going to lose my mother.

It doesn't matter that I have finally been able to get rid of my ex (a really negative and dangerous presence in and for my life), this 2014 has taken away from me loads.

I can't find words to describe my pain. Not a moment of peace.

And I'm still in the middle of one of the worst time of my life.

So...

Goodbye Aldo, sweet and funny uncle, so similar to me.

Goodbye Alistair, great fiend and person, will miss your strength, your laugh and your Scottish accent forever. You taught me so many things you can't imagine.

Byebye to my last ex, who, until the very last minute, created me stress and troubles. If there's a hell, I hope you'll burn there forever. Slowly, of course.

I have just to thank all my friends, my auntie and my cousin to be so supportive. You give me the strength to go on.

And thank you Jay, for saying the right thing at the right time all the time.

Confused thoughts.

How many times I heard from people I shared my situation "It's gonna be a tough time?"
I can't tell.

I knew that.

It's obvious when your mother is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and you're aware there's very little you can do.
Once again in my life, I found myself between my needs and someone else needs.
I grew up with the concept that Family comes always first. No matters how many disguises, no matters how many arguments, no matters how many disappointments.

I got just one Mum and despite any past musinderstanding, she is my Mamy.

So, I quit my job, I went through a lot of issues and troubles to get a one way ticket for me and Lolly, I put on hold all my projects and I came here, in the south of Italy, where you can barely see the thin line between the 1st and the 3rd world, to be with her, to help her whenever she needs my help.

Not easy at all, of course. Even in cases like this, life tends to be hard anyway.

My brother is of no help. He decided that she'll be fine.

In the era of internet, he still refuses to understand what pathology we're talking about.

"Mum will be fine" he says.

He criticised my decision of coming here suggesting me to travel more often, me that I have to take 3 flights to come here, while he can just get here with one and 50 mins trip.

However, I'm here for about one month already and he hasn't found the time to visit one weekend either.

I really didn't care about his visit if it wasn't that he's my Mum's pupil, her love, like I use to joke, but it's not that joke in the end.

He's always been the favourite and no matters if she's surrounded by people who love her, she will always miss that ONE (me bro) she loves with all her heart. 

And... as everybody's so in love with someone, she always try to justify his lacks, even his absence.

He's busy, poor lad. He's working, good man.

I gave up on being noted, so it's normal if my sacrifices are not highlighted.

What I really care now it's that that selfish, ignorant, prick of me brother moves his arse here to spend time with her because the only thing I want to see is a smile on her face.
and I really hope he's going to do it as soon as possible because if he waits more, he will be forced to come here only for her funeral and at that point he can even stay at home cos his presence will be so useless that nobody will want to see his face anymore.
Rant of the night over.

The scale of Justice.

In the end, also this terrible experience will be over and I'll remember who were with me and who created troubles.

I have no time at the moment to sort the last ones, but (since they were aware of what I was going through), I promise, when everything is over, I won't be that merciful as I have been in the past.

You get what you give.

Was the last thing I'll do in my life, you'll pay till the last "penny".

Dear Diary...

...I wish I had the time to write down all the mess is happening in my life right now.

Maybe one day, when I get some sort of breath.

If... I get some sort of breath.

42.

You realise how old you are when your mastercard can't buy any of the presents you wish to receive.

Here we go.

Walking through lines in a store, I was texting about some new changes at work with a collegue. 

And then, here it comes that unexpected answer that suddenly induces an uncontrollable smile on your face...

«Ta luv»

You made my day and you don't even know it.

Psychopathy.

...And after 2 years and few months continuosly repeating the famous question "What the fuck is wrong with you??", I finally found the answer.

Well, I'm not a doctor and there's no cure, anyhow.

I'm quite sure that sooner or later everybody of us has met one, once.

My terrible experience suggests you "Run! Just run away and don't look behind!"

Robert Hare’s Checklist of Psychopathy Symptoms:

1. GLIB AND SUPERFICIAL CHARM — the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. He can also be a great listener, to simulate empathy while zeroing in on his targets’ dreams and vulnerabilities, to be able to manipulate them better.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM — an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING — can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative and dishonest.

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS: the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT:  a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT:  emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness and superficial warmth.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY:  a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE: an intentional, manipulative, selfis, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline and the inability to carry through one’s responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS:  expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR: a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of numerous, multiple relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity (rape) or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits and conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS: a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use and running away from home.

13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS: an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY: the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations and momentary urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILITY: repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS: a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS: a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including in marital and familial bonds.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY: behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE: a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY: a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes or wrongdoings.

   

The list above has been copied from this link.

Rebellion.

I guess I've been bullied for so long time that suddenly I feel to join every campaign I believe is right, whether is the (lost battle) for the privatisation of the Irish Water, the housing issue for homeless families, gay or animal rights, Enda Kenny exiled from Ireland, etc.
I'm seeking for Justice, I'm thirsty of it.

I 'fear' I'll end up involved in the local political life.

Me Dad always dreamt of seeing me in the Diplomatic environment...

Éirinn go brách!

Sorted.

There's one thing my last ex was used to repeat me over and over again. I need to remove the negativity from my life.

I think it's one of the few things I really agree with him, so I did it.

I feel so much better now :)

Expectations.

Once upon a long ago, women were treated as an inferior race.

Once upon a long ago, black people weren't able to vote.

Once upon a long ago, bigots were ruling the world.

Today, in 2014, I want to see human rights given to every human being. I want to see every country go over any religious obstacle and allow marriage between homosexuals.

Everybody has the right to be happy, everybody has the right to seal their love if this love is not harmful.

Family must be a right.

And they're so wonderful and lovely... wish a man was able to be so full of feelings as they are.

So...

Let's make this world a step better.

A jump in the past.

I met a friend this morning.

It was funny because I saw him in front of the Bridge Street Books shop and, since he's also a writer, the composition was perfect. Shame I didn't have my camera on hand at the time.

Anyway.

He saw me too, and he crossed the street for a double cheek kiss in the Italian way and a brief chat.

After the usual pleasantries, we ended to talk about his first book (which I read in less than one week), he showed me the cover of the second one (still to be written, completed and released) and at some point I asked if he played Myst.

It was then that I realised why we became friends so easily.

No, I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a Nerd. And I'm even proud of it.

Now, I guess my brother bought Myst that was about 2003. Unlike other videogames, Myst was a first person interaction with the virtual environment. The Player find a book and touching the last page, (s)he literally get sucked in a parallel world by the book. To get out of there, you need to find clues and tools and your only choice is to go around and explore everything. 

I remember I had a copybook beside the Mac where me an me brother wrote all the combinations already found. I literally got sucked by the game. Once back home from work, I had to turn on the computer and (since the game had the resume option already) get back where I (we) left. It was the most amazing game I ever played. Just logic and memory. No violence, no shootings. Thinking. I never finished the game at the time, I don't even remember why I gave up or what kept me to go ahead till the end.

Today, of course, I read on Wiki about it and I found out that there were four ends, depending on the path you'd have chosen.

 

Once I win the Lotto, I buy a three bedroom house/flat and one of them will be the MacRoom. Just Apple and technology.

Fortune that dreaming is still free...

Happiness.

The moon tonight... from my bedroom :)

Unexpected.

Life is strange.

You meet a million of people during your life and you can't ever tell who will stay and who won't.

Sometimes it's your own fault, you failed on keeping in touch for very several reasons, right or wrong.

Sometimes they just step away, and albeit you're still wondering why and what you've done wrong, you won't ever get an answer even because in some cases there's not one.

Today I got an email from someone that I don't meet, see or hear from for at least 22 years.

The only thing I can tell about him is:
If the world would have more men like him, it would definitely be a better place.

And probably, today, I wasn't licking my wounds away...

La Ville de l'Amour.

Turned out that H. is going to Paris, next 20th.

«Deadly» I said. «I've never been there yet. I'm waiting for a very special occasion with a very special person.»

«Who's that person you will travel with?» he asked.

«I don't know. I never met him yet.»

I realised I should have been in a positive, optimistic mood with all those 'yet'...

Bitter Truth.

Let's say it.

It's not true that there's some good in everyone.

Some people are as evil as their actions.

Needless even looking for some good: there's none.

Stop being naive!

Dreams. You just need to believe in them.

I'm starting to believe that if I really want to get a job that I fully like, I need to create it.

Ok, I got this DSLR camera. I dreamt of it for YEARS before I was able to buy and use it beyond just taking selfies and pics of nice views.

I literally invested on it, still I'm far away to any "professional" way.

I definitely get frustrated when, regardless of any teaching and tips from my Master, I see that my photos didn't come out as cool as I saw them on its display.

My lack of experience, indeed.

But today, despite of aperture, shutter speed, exposure and image quality, I found myself among personalities like the Canadian Ambassador, his wife and his staff and one of our Councellors, his wife and his daughter.

And guess what?
I was the photographer of the event.

First of My Life!

I'm so excited I can't even gather a phrase. One of my Friends is about to have a baby (Girl!!!) and I've been invited to her Baby Shower.

Now, being Italian, this particular event is not part of our tradition and culture so I even had to ask to a mutual friend how to behave and what to do.

Personally, I'm so happy and honoured to be part of it. 

I followed her pregnancy step by step, looked after her when she was exagerating at work, got worried as fuck when she got sick, holding back tears at every scan she showed me. 

She wanted a boy and she waited for very long time before asking for the gender.

It happened that on the 1st of January I read the Independent and the first 3 new borns were all Girls, here in Ireland. So I told her, I bet she'll be a Girl too.

And so it was.

I can't tell the feeling on knowing I was right. Almost as I was expecting her myself. Well, I'm sort of doing it...

Now I just have to find something to buy for her and the party.

That's so lovely, going around and looking for Baby Girl's stuff.

I'm melting!

Freedom.

It's never at a cheap price.

Bright Day!

Looks like sun is going to shine again.

First of all: I got a compliment from Grumpy Chef this morning. It means I'll remember this day for the rest of my life!
Second: I've been asked to take photos at a wedding next year. First little step for my career and sign that my network building is working.
Third: regardless crisis, wars and missing planes, markets are up and my stock is flying.

I'm moved... and smiling. Despite the ache at my stomach.

Cheaters.

Let's get it straight, cos (seriously) people open their mouth without even knowing what they're saying.

Tonight we're going to talk about cheaters, in a specific perspective.

E.G.

You're a woman, you meet a man and after he's clearly, openly complimenting and flirting with you, you find out that he's married or involved in a relationship.

What do you do?
Actually, you have only 2 choices:

1. You don't give a shite cos you're not planning a long term relationship and go ahead with your primitive instict.

2. You're smarter than number 1, you know that "not planning to get involved" never works, that "once cheater, always cheater", you label him and you already have a clear idea of who you'll deal with.

I'm definitely number 2, plus if there's something that I never share it's a man, despite ALL their kinky fantasies.

So, suggestion of the day: Be Smart.

....Before it's too late.

Takers.

I have this attitude of looking like a doormat when I love someone. Whoever someone is. 

Dunno, maybe it's just my good heart, kindness, care. I always put them before me. I'm well aware it's a mistake.

Now, when I act like this with my cats, it's not a problem. Worst thing can happen, they wake me up at 5 in the morning expecting to be fed.

People, instead... People are really dangerous. Expecially takers.

People take advantage of what is a gesture given from the bottom of the heart and transform it in a duty, wanting always more and taking until there's something to take.

Pointless hoping that some common sense arises. There's no common sense in takers. Only opportunism.

So, the only thing the giver can do is taking back what can be taken and quit giving to those kind of people.

Taps of my good heart have just been shut off.

Things are going to change.

Mental.

Give me a time-machine. I want to go back in time, 2 years and 4 months ago and change direction.

Again.

Or.

Give me a winning lotto ticket, my personal ticket to Freedom.

I can't take it anymore...

A matter of Class.

That's not true that Third Class doesn't exist anymore. I saw evidence it does.

Me Mum was right repeating continuosly "Rustica progenie semper villana fuit".

Sorry, Mum. I had to listen to you on this point.

Philosophical meditation.

I was living to build my Future, 

Instead I found myself stuck in the Present,

Unable to get free from mistakes of my Past.

Reflecting on the meaning of Life... 

But...

What meaning, actually? 

!---- / END OF PHILOSOPHICAL ATTACK / ---!

Fuck!

Song of the day.

♫... If I was a rich girl...♫ 

I'd disappear into thin air without leaving a fucking trace.

...undtagen Dig. Altid Du finder mig.

Misunderstandings.

Piece of conversation.

Me: «Oh, Fuck! USC has been raised for 2014!»

Him: «Risen.»

Me: «I don't know the reason, it's just happened!»

English is NOT an opinion....

A matter of currencies.

I told I liked this 2014. Just the fact that 13 has gone is already a good thing.

1st purchase of 2014: Pall Mall €8.10.

1st saving of 2014: Esta renew $14.

I'm not travelling my noble arse to the US anymore, next trips planned for this year: London & Copenaghen.

Maybe Italy.

Fuck the rest!

2014.

Welcome, welcome and welcome to 2014.

Superstition or not, I need to say 2013 has been one of the worst years of my life from day 1 to 365. 

There's nothing (and I repeat nothing!) that I should save from the past year, if I could I should delete it in a unique block.

A row of mistakes and wrong choices, one after another.

Let's do as it never existed and let's use the first months of 2014 to fix the trails still in vogue.

Happy New Year to me and to you all.

Go 2014!!!