Things change.

Alright, I've been silent for a while and here I am again, for the last time on this website.

As soon as my new blog will be ready I'll post the link on my FB page.

Thanks for having followed me throught these pages and...

See you soon!

BlackLily/Claire

Mamy.

Every day is a gift. Never like before I fully understood the meaning of that.

I won't ever regret the sacrifices I've done in those last months and I won't ever forget the memories that they have given to me.

A precious treasure I'll bring always with me.

Still together, no matters how long we got left.

Today's today and I'm blessed to be with you.

Detached from reality.

It has been my comment to my Auntie, yesterday morning, when we went to a funeral home to ask for quotes.

What's awful and odd it'sthat we need the excuse to buy some clothes for my Mum, so that she couldn't figure out the real reason we needed to go out together.

We were talking about cremation and pertinent information with a man, who looked like a mafioso, while her, conscious and coherent, was waiting for us to get back.

It's like living a neverending nightmare.

And then, once at home again, everything's back to "normal", chatting, joking, smoking together like this evil illness is going to heal and life could go back to what it was.

But what I can't tolerate for the most it's all these religious people that remind this "good" god who's making our lifes a hell. 

It's like a slap in the face.

Now, after she asked the doctor today how long she's got left, I've lost any leftover of sense of humour I had.

Finally.

In the end tonight I got the call I was waiting for.

My brother finally decided to come here to visit Mum.

Better late than ever.

Back to the start.

So.. after two months together I find myself into the old pattern of my whole life.

My loved mother today told me that we're incompatible.

It's weird, hard and painful.

I've always seen her as my twin, we've even born on the almost same day.

When I was a child and she was away, I was used to sleep with one of her jumpers just to feel her smell.

But she never accepted me because I'm a female and because I'm not her clone. She has never been able to accept that I can have my own personality and that I can think differently from her.

Now she's dying, I'm craving her love, her kindness, a good time together.

I find constantly an obstacle from her, who's looking always for a fight, a polemic, an argument.

How can explain her that this is the last time we've got to spend together, that we must enjoy it instead of wasting it with futile controversy?

She's pushing me away again, like I'm stealing her the scene but I'm not. I don't really care.

Hey, that's me! The one who's keeping a low profile and doesn't like publicity.

The anti-social one, scared of any relationship with the world.

Keep the scene, I just want your love.

Whatever is the reason why you don't like me (competition, envy, etc.) without you, I'm going to lose my best friend and I won't have anymore that person I'm used to share what's going on in my life.

Can you just forgive me for being me and not my brother?

Love you, despite all.

Let me be on your side, that's all I ask for.

I was wrong.

I remember I was waiting for this 2014 as much as I wanted to have my previous issues sorted.

I didn't expect to fix the (at the time) current trouble to find myself in other bad situations.

I remember at the beginning of this year, I've been told it wasn't a good one. I didn't understand why.

I didn't until I lost my uncle on the 16th of February, my closest Wicklow friend on the 5th of August and now I'm going to lose my mother.

It doesn't matter that I have finally been able to get rid of my ex (a really negative and dangerous presence in and for my life), this 2014 has taken away from me loads.

I can't find words to describe my pain. Not a moment of peace.

And I'm still in the middle of one of the worst time of my life.

So...

Goodbye Aldo, sweet and funny uncle, so similar to me.

Goodbye Alistair, great fiend and person, will miss your strength, your laugh and your Scottish accent forever. You taught me so many things you can't imagine.

Byebye to my last ex, who, until the very last minute, created me stress and troubles. If there's a hell, I hope you'll burn there forever. Slowly, of course.

I have just to thank all my friends, my auntie and my cousin to be so supportive. You give me the strength to go on.

And thank you Jay, for saying the right thing at the right time all the time.

Confused thoughts.

How many times I heard from people I shared my situation "It's gonna be a tough time?"
I can't tell.

I knew that.

It's obvious when your mother is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and you're aware there's very little you can do.
Once again in my life, I found myself between my needs and someone else needs.
I grew up with the concept that Family comes always first. No matters how many disguises, no matters how many arguments, no matters how many disappointments.

I got just one Mum and despite any past musinderstanding, she is my Mamy.

So, I quit my job, I went through a lot of issues and troubles to get a one way ticket for me and Lolly, I put on hold all my projects and I came here, in the south of Italy, where you can barely see the thin line between the 1st and the 3rd world, to be with her, to help her whenever she needs my help.

Not easy at all, of course. Even in cases like this, life tends to be hard anyway.

My brother is of no help. He decided that she'll be fine.

In the era of internet, he still refuses to understand what pathology we're talking about.

"Mum will be fine" he says.

He criticised my decision of coming here suggesting me to travel more often, me that I have to take 3 flights to come here, while he can just get here with one and 50 mins trip.

However, I'm here for about one month already and he hasn't found the time to visit one weekend either.

I really didn't care about his visit if it wasn't that he's my Mum's pupil, her love, like I use to joke, but it's not that joke in the end.

He's always been the favourite and no matters if she's surrounded by people who love her, she will always miss that ONE (me bro) she loves with all her heart. 

And... as everybody's so in love with someone, she always try to justify his lacks, even his absence.

He's busy, poor lad. He's working, good man.

I gave up on being noted, so it's normal if my sacrifices are not highlighted.

What I really care now it's that that selfish, ignorant, prick of me brother moves his arse here to spend time with her because the only thing I want to see is a smile on her face.
and I really hope he's going to do it as soon as possible because if he waits more, he will be forced to come here only for her funeral and at that point he can even stay at home cos his presence will be so useless that nobody will want to see his face anymore.
Rant of the night over.